Noble Order of Santas

Noble Order of Santas

Request for Primary Expense Reimbursement

 

Dear Santa,

 

As you know, the Noble Order of Santas has been a long standing union for over a hundred years. However, we in the Drunken Santa Division feel that we are over utilized and under compensated for our services. Most members do not mind the long hours entailed as we enjoy our roles as Drunken Santas, but we do feel that it is only appropriate that we be reimbursed for our largest, job related expense; our libations (otherwise known as hootch).

I am sure that an industrious man such as yourself realizes that the work required in maintaining the highest of standards and the staunchest of reputations. The rising cost of top shelf liquor is causing some of our hardest workers to resort to bottom shelf beverages which in turn produces slovenly drunks which reflect badly on the whole Order; something that must be prevented at all costs. Lush type Santas are bad for business and leave the Division with less than desirable results. It is important that the staff be able to afford high end alcohol in order to maintain our favored state of drunkenness and to ensure complete success in our positions.

I am sure that you recognize the importance of the Drunken Santa Division as an absolute necessity. We are very proud to provide respectability to other Santas as they heighten the commercialism of the holidays bringing in record profits. Please, do be aware that the Drunken Santa Division and our sub-division, Party Santas, consistently generate more profits than the Mall Santas, Hospital Santas, Event Santas, and Goodwill Santas Divisions combined.

After due consideration to the aforementioned points, I am sure that you will come to an agreeable conclusion regarding our request for primary expense reimbursement.

 

Sincerely,

The Senior Drunken Santa

Drunken Santas Division

The Noble Order of Santas