This year my request is simple. Please deliver a message to my father. He has been gone for a while now; a choice of his own free will. Tell him that I understand. Tell him that it hurt but I’m not angry. Tell him that I’m doing okay but I miss him.
Most days are good and the space isn’t so empty. I fill my time with work and try to pretend that things are getting better. He left our family about this time. It was sudden to us but I imagine it had been a long time coming for him. He opted out of this world for reasons of his own. I’m sure he thought it was the best for all never knowing the devastation he would leave behind.
Tell him that my brain understands that it was a decision that was best for him. Tell him that my heart hasn’t quite got to the understanding part yet for it misses him dearly and would rather have him here. Tell him I can forgive his choice though it pains me to do so.
There are days when I miss his counsel while other days I just want to tell him what I’ve achieved. I miss laughing with him. I miss knowing he’s there. I’m sure on some plane he see me even though I can’t see him. I know he wishes me well. I know he wants me to have a happy life.
Tell him that life goes on. Tell him my heart remembers. Tell him that I will get to a point where I no longer cry at the thought of him. Tell him I am moving on and getting stronger. Tell him I’ll be alright.
Most importantly, tell him that I love him. That he will always be my Dad. That he made a difference in my life and left his mark upon my soul.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Thank you, Santa.