We would like to thank you for your avid participation in our search for the perfect Christmas centerfold; however we regret to inform you that candidates you have chosen are actually several pictures of the same person – you. You are not a good fit for the demographic we aim for.
Nevertheless, in the interest of being fair, we did submit you pictures to our selection panel. Unfortunately, we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to render an opinion. While we are sure that your selection as centerfold would greatly expand your current stellar reputation, we do not believe that it would be in the magazine’s best interest.
We are, however, pleased to inform you about the opportunity for selection at one of our subsidiary magazines, Playgirl.
We have received the photographs that our parent company, Playboy, forwarded to us. We regret to inform you that we will not be able to use you as “Playgirl’s Man of the Month Centerfold”.
We presented your photographs to our selection panel for a rating between 1 and 10; unfortunately, your pictures were rated at a -3. The panel was comprised of women representative of your age group. To ensure complete fairness we decided to show your submissions to our demographic panel, women aged 20-35, but were unable to receive a determination due to the excess of mirth in the discussion.
We would like to assure of your potential of possible future print should our targeted audience change dramatically but feel that it would be wrong to give you false hope. Please, feel free, to re-submit in the future should your physique change on a quantum scale.
We wish you the best in your endeavors. Please, give our regards and sympathy to your wife.