Letters to Santa Claus | Write Santa your letters and wish lists, or just complain about last year's gifts

Tips for Writing the Perfect Santa Letter

Avoid as much stress as you can this holiday season!

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter and I wrote her annual letter to Santa and sent it in to our local Recreation Center. She received her reply today and was ecstatic to learn that she was, indeed, on the nice list, after my husband had repeatedly teased that she would not be. Reading it aloud to her, I was chagrined to realize that I had allowed her to ask for some things we could not afford (a Mommy Penbo with a baby!), and thought about how we might improve next year’s letter. Here is a quick list I came up with.

Limit the requests. Tell your child that Santa has a lot of children to deliver toys to, and that he only wants to know the wish most dear to your child’s heart. This will allow your kid to really search for something he or she wants, and it will also help you surprise him or her with other small gifts that you know he or she will enjoy.
Write all of the gifts that he or she wants on a list. You can tell relatives who want to buy your child a gift what’s on the list and not have to spend so much, while also helping them purchase something your child really wants.
Let them ask questions for Santa. My daughter loves this, but I rushed her a little and she surely didn’t ask all of the ones she had wanted to (like why Santa wears a beard, or why he wears red). The service did answer the questions she had (like what type of treat to leave Rudolph), so it’s fun to engage in these questions and helps with their letter writing skills.
Seek out a good letter service. Our local recreation department does this annually and they never disappoint, are always on time, and always answer all of her questions. You might even want to send out a copy of the letter to a couple of services, just to see whose letter will be best. The whole keeping Mrs. Claus traditional—our letter said she was baking cookies for the elves—is a bit drab; I would love to tell the kids that she’s out taking the reindeer for a test flight or something if I were writing the letters! Which reminds me…
You can also write the letter yourself if you want. Just have a friend mail it, mail it from another location, or even leave it under the tree or in your child’s stocking on Christmas.

The Fortnight Before Christmas

T'was the fortnight before Christmas

And all through the pole

El Nino arrived and left a big hole

Santa’s product was good, but his marketing stunk

He hoped for salvation to get out of his funk

But his stockholding elves, tired of ink that is red

Had visions of buyout dance in their heads

Production has stalled and quotas weren’t met

Though Santa was worried, he wasn’t done yet

But try as he might, E.F. Hutton spoke

To tell one and all that Santa was broke

Christmas arrived with no stuff to unwrap

No gadgets or gizmos or other claptrap

But this wasn’t a Christmas in which to be sad

As the best gift of all is one we already had

It’s a smile and a hug that brings us true joy

And last a lot longer than any gizmo or toy

So turn to a loved one, whether nearby or far

And tell them a loved one is just what they are

A Message to One Lost

Dear Santa,

This year my request is simple. Please deliver a message to my father. He has been gone for a while now; a choice of his own free will. Tell him that I understand. Tell him that it hurt but I’m not angry. Tell him that I’m doing okay but I miss him.

Most days are good and the space isn’t so empty. I fill my time with work and try to pretend that things are getting better. He left our family about this time. It was sudden to us but I imagine it had been a long time coming for him. He opted out of this world for reasons of his own. I’m sure he thought it was the best for all never knowing the devastation he would leave behind.

Tell him that my brain understands that it was a decision that was best for him. Tell him that my heart hasn’t quite got to the understanding part yet for it misses him dearly and would rather have him here. Tell him I can forgive his choice though it pains me to do so.

There are days when I miss his counsel while other days I just want to tell him what I’ve achieved. I miss laughing with him. I miss knowing he’s there. I’m sure on some plane he see me even though I can’t see him. I know he wishes me well. I know he wants me to have a happy life.

Tell him that life goes on. Tell him my heart remembers. Tell him that I will get to a point where I no longer cry at the thought of him. Tell him I am moving on and getting stronger. Tell him I’ll be alright.

Most importantly, tell him that I love him. That he will always be my Dad. That he made a difference in my life and left his mark upon my soul.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Thank you, Santa.

Dreams of Being a Centerfold

Dear Santa,

We would like to thank you for your avid participation in our search for the perfect Christmas centerfold; however we regret to inform you that candidates you have chosen are actually several pictures of the same person – you. You are not a good fit for the demographic we aim for.

Nevertheless, in the interest of being fair, we did submit you pictures to our selection panel. Unfortunately, we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to render an opinion. While we are sure that your selection as centerfold would greatly expand your current stellar reputation, we do not believe that it would be in the magazine’s best interest.

We are, however, pleased to inform you about the opportunity for selection at one of our subsidiary magazines, Playgirl.

Sincerely,

Hugh Hefner

Playboy Magazine

Dear Santa,

We have received the photographs that our parent company, Playboy, forwarded to us. We regret to inform you that we will not be able to use you as “Playgirl’s Man of the Month Centerfold”.

We presented your photographs to our selection panel for a rating between 1 and 10; unfortunately, your pictures were rated at a -3. The panel was comprised of women representative of your age group. To ensure complete fairness we decided to show your submissions to our demographic panel, women aged 20-35, but were unable to receive a determination due to the excess of mirth in the discussion.

We would like to assure of your potential of possible future print should our targeted audience change dramatically but feel that it would be wrong to give you false hope. Please, feel free, to re-submit in the future should your physique change on a quantum scale.

We wish you the best in your endeavors. Please, give our regards and sympathy to your wife.

Sincerely,

Editor

Playgirl Magazine

Noble Order of Santas

Request for Primary Expense Reimbursement

Dear Santa,

As you know, the Noble Order of Santas has been a long standing union for over a hundred years. However, we in the Drunken Santa Division feel that we are over utilized and under compensated for our services. Most members do not mind the long hours entailed as we enjoy our roles as Drunken Santas, but we do feel that it is only appropriate that we be reimbursed for our largest, job related expense; our libations (otherwise known as hootch).

I am sure that an industrious man such as yourself realizes that the work required in maintaining the highest of standards and the staunchest of reputations. The rising cost of top shelf liquor is causing some of our hardest workers to resort to bottom shelf beverages which in turn produces slovenly drunks which reflect badly on the whole Order; something that must be prevented at all costs. Lush type Santas are bad for business and leave the Division with less than desirable results. It is important that the staff be able to afford high end alcohol in order to maintain our favored state of drunkenness and to ensure complete success in our positions.

I am sure that you recognize the importance of the Drunken Santa Division as an absolute necessity. We are very proud to provide respectability to other Santas as they heighten the commercialism of the holidays bringing in record profits. Please, do be aware that the Drunken Santa Division and our sub-division, Party Santas, consistently generate more profits than the Mall Santas, Hospital Santas, Event Santas, and Goodwill Santas Divisions combined.

After due consideration to the aforementioned points, I am sure that you will come to an agreeable conclusion regarding our request for primary expense reimbursement.

Sincerely,

The Senior Drunken Santa

Drunken Santas Division

The Noble Order of Santas

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